Suicide Hotline


Heinz recommended redeployment and they put me typing in reception. Pointless me deal with the lost and the broken, since I had so many screws loose myself.

I jammed on the iPhone , slapped the headset on and got down to business. This was the shit. Just me and my machinery. Minimum human interaction. Even Singh knew better than to talk to me, he just dumped the tapes on the desk. all other communication was via email, and if the phone rang I ignored it,
The fax started screaming, it spit another document, marked urgent. I took it next door to Sue. She logged it on the system and tossed it in the ‘later’ tray
Sue said, ‘another person wantin’ to kill theirselves, wasting everyone’s flippin’ time.’
‘Yeah, right.’
Mr down under gave us a funny look from under his beard, it spelled trouble. There’s this queerness about me, whenever I smell trouble I have no choice but to make it worse, double it, triple it, quadruple it if possible. Especially when it comes to that dipstick.
Spencer drifted in from reception with a message for Singh.
‘I would have give it myself, but he’s not answering the phone,’ spencer said. ‘And he’s got three clients waiting for him in reception, they’re getting restless.’
I snatched the blue docket from his hand.
Someone rang the bell at the desk. It sounded angry. Spencer shuffled around on his feet.
‘Get back to the zombies’, I said
Mr down under glared at me from underneath his horn-rimmed spectacles, beady eyes glittering with indignation.
‘I think you should have more respect for our clients, Dick.’
‘We ought to have canned music out here in reception,’ I said ‘got to keep the customers satisfied.’
‘What sort of music would that be?’
‘Simon and Garfunkel.’
‘Oh good choice, I do like Simon and Garfunkel.’
I went back to the desk playing the theme tune from Mash on my iPhone.
I put the song on repeat in iTunes , Garfunkel ‘s soothing voice drifted into the lobby. I sat watching the crazies, hoping they were getting the message
Sour faces glared at me from the other side of the glass.
“Suicide is painless …”
Then Elena Rabbit walked in.