Bipolar or Schizo, that is the question.
I jazzed the dream up big. Heinz was sucking on my psyche like a demented squirrel. He swallowed it whole. Germans are so easy to fuck with, unless of course you’re a Jew.
“It’s certainly an interesting dream, packed with significance, what do you make of it?”
“What do ‘I’ make of it? Hey, you’re the expert.”
“Take a layman’s guess.”
“Okay, it shows my sick, perverted mind.”
“Sure, but this is unusual Dick, even for you. What do you think of the cavern?”
“Well it’s not John, Paul and Ringo.”
“Aren’t you forgetting George?”
“The fourth member of the Beatles, and by far the most important, musically speaking.”
“Never heard of him.”
Heinz looked pained. I was really starting to enjoy myself.
“And who is the girl?”
“I think you know more than you are letting on.”
Heinz was itching to dig into my brain. “Will you allow me to place you under hypnosis?”
The last thing I wanted was Mengele’s natural successor probing inside my skull. But it was quid pro quo, so I explained the deal.
“Look Heinz, I have to be honest, I’m in shit at work and I need your help sorting it out.”
“Why? What happened?”
I told Heinz about the Elena Rabbit incident. “She was that close to firing me, just for playing some easy listening music at reception.”
“Yeah, theme from Mash, know it?”
“Yes, it’s about Vietnam, about suicide. Is that what upset your boss?”
“Yeah, she’s such a brain-dead bimbo. I told her, I said “With all due respect Miss Rabbit, committing suicide is a dignified way to live. Look at these guys ” – now by this time they’re all humming along – ” when have you ever seen the patients this calm, looking so happy and chilled?” I even offered to compile a list of websites for the depressives to socialise with other depressives. It fell on deaf ears, she didn’t share my p.o.v.”
Heinz was shaking his head. “It astonishes me how blinkered these social care professionals can be. Anyway, how can I assist?”
(is Dick Bipolar?)
“I need a clinical letter to give to HR.”
“Mention my condition, say it was severely aggravated by obscene amounts of stress and bullying work, hint about my boss.”
Heinz seized his fountain pen and scratched a note on a yellow sticky.
“Will Paranoid Schizophrenia be okay? Or would you prefer Bi-polar?”
“What’s your opinion?”
“Well, in my experience H R tend to be more sympathetic toward Bipolar. You see, on the whole mood swingers’s can function, though they’re a pain in the neck. Your average BP has low self-worth, he will accept minimum pay and conditions, whereas PS’s could raise a fuss. They’ll cut you more slack if you’re BP.
“Make it Bipolar.”
“Of course”, said Heinz, “I’ll get it typed up. Now, shall we begin?”
Agatha in the underworld sequence